(fabricated news inspired by the pop icon)
Jennifer Lopez suffered what doctors described as a severe dislocation of the vagina while on location filming her latest music video at the Acropolis in Athens. According to eyewitnesses, during a particularly challenging set of high-speed abdominal undulations something appeared to go awry, and the sexy singer/dancer/kind-of-actress/retailer/talent judge dropped to the ground writhing in what was later interpreted as agony.
A crewperson in charge of the wind machine had a clear view of the mishap from nearby. “One minute she’s going at it like a Jack Russell in heat. The next she’s in a ball on the ground holding her whatsit. After a while we start to think something’s up, so I go over to see if I can help out and she clocks me! At which point she’s on her own as far as I’m concerned.”
A medevac unit airlifted Lopez to a private airport, where she was then transported by chartered military stealth bomber to the Hospital For Special Patients in Manhattan. There Dr. Herman Hyman, chief admitting surgeon, was the first to observe her condition.
“Vaginal lateral percussive dysplasia. That’s what I’m calling it. Never seen anything like it. Everybody pretty much knows where a vagina goes. Hers wasn’t anywhere near there. Never seen anything like it before. I might’ve said that already.” He made the decision to call in a specialist group from the Mayo Clinic headed by Dr. Harold Kuntner.
“I’m not sure why we were brought in, actually. This isn’t usually our sort of thing, though Dr. Hyman and I were fraternity brothers in med school. When we heard of the unusual circumstances, the team and I agreed to come have a look-see.”
The surgical team requested copies of the video to aid in their diagnosis. “We were told the incident had been photographed by three separate high-speed, ultra-high-definition cameras, and we were anxious to get our hands on the footage. In fact the hospital conference room was packed for the screening, as there were a lot of staff members hoping to gain some insight into this rare condition.”
A hospital administrator who requested anonymity described the sequence. “It was stunning. The patient wore a shear gold lamé toga hemmed just below the crotch. Gorgeous. A satin ruby sash was cinched at the waist. Nice Detail. Period-style sandals with braided leather straps rising above the knee. Absolutely to die for…"
Dr. Kuntner interjected, “Technically the traumatized area was covered, but we got a pretty good peek at what was going on. We continued to review the footage until we heard the nursing staff was waiting for us with the patient in the OR. I’m not sure we learned anything from the screening, but I feel it was the right decision to make an effort."
“I’ll never forget what I saw up on that screen,” commented maintenance worker Herbie Hind, who’d happened by the open door of the SRO conference room. “I had to be by myself for a while after that. I used the room where we store all the mops, by the slop sink.”
Lopez had been attempting to nail a particularly demanding section of the eagerly awaited companion video to the song, “I Got Something I Think You Want Boy, So Come Get It Quick Before It’s Gone.” She’d enlisted the talents of the legendary choreographer Miss B for the project. Miss B, still visibly shaken by what he’d witnessed, agreed to speak with reporters.
“Hon, ain’ nobody shakes it like my sweet Lo. We wanted something super special for this video. I mean it’s the Acrapolis and all, birthplace of love goddesses and whatnot. I went way deep on this one. Anybody on the planet gonna pull this off, gonna be my girl J. I guess she just wanted it too bad. Oh my. To think of the ironicness of the title now.”
Miss Lopez was on the operating table for seven hours as the surgical team worked to relocate internal organs wrenched out of place by what might have been the most physically demanding dance sequence attempted since Beyonce’s “Put A Ring On It”.
Miss Lopez is said to be recuperating at an undisclosed location more fabulous than could be provided by the hospital. Says Dr. Kuntner, “I think the procedure was a success. We’ve never done anything like this before, so we’re playing a wait-and-see game right now. And I'd wait before I took a look if I were you.” He added that what the mega talent needs right now is plenty of R&R. “Obviously any kind of sexual activity either real or theatrical is out of the question.”
“We’re all pulling for a quick recovery so we can finish up the video,” said J Lo’s long-time agent and confidante, Tina Lola. “Naturally, we’ll only let her do moves she’s comfortable with. We’re already reworking the choreography, and the search is on for a body double to handle the more rigorous stuff, which is going to be the real challenge. We might need three or four different bodies to give us a good match for all the featured parts. I don’t know where we’ll find another signature backside like that, though. We’re presently in negotiations with James Cameron's people to see if a computer generated J Lo would be the more cost-effective way to go."
Rumored current boyfriend and back-up dancer Casper Smart, when asked to comment about Miss Lopez’s current condition, had this to say: “Naturally my main concern is for her health and well-being. But if things don’t turn out to line up jus’ right and sh*t, I’ll be needin’ to get me my sumpt’n from somewhere’s else real soon, aw’ight?”
