As a cameraman with connections at Food Network, I’ve found myself behind the lens for behind the scenes stuff for several seasons at "The Next Food Network Star", and it has convinced me I could have a successful career in project development. It may in fact be my true calling. And as the axiom goes, “Scratch a cameraman and you’ll find a cable channel programmer.”
Here is a sampling of some of the projects I'd like to develop for F-Net (I’m thinking rework the network name too). I think they’re all winners because we're giving viewers what we think viewers think they ought to want us to give them: the complete humiliation of a stack of humans willing to enter America’s version of the Roman Coliseum.
MY LIST OF SHOWS THAT CAN'T FAIL ON THE NEW!!! IMPROVED FOOD NETWORK:
1. Sabotaged Suppers: With the complicity of the family breadwinner, our home chef is led to believe that an important client will shortly be over for dinner. What she doesn't know is our covert staff has mucked up everything in her carefully maintained kitchen. The spices have been switched, the milk soured, the crucial ingredients tainted. No matter how hard she tries, the meal will be a disaster and our hostess will turn into a quivering mound of Jello (check for sponsorship). They get a new dishwasher if she sheds tears in front of the “client”.
2. Take It Back: We're all familiar with food critic shows. Newly opened eateries are visited by a food critic who typically waxes euphoric over the menu, with a caveat or two thrown in to legitimize the job description. In our show, no matter what's served, our dyspeptic gourmand hates it. Nothing measures up to his or her culinary expectations. The cuisine is derivative, the décor garish, the seats recovered from the Inquisition, the chef a potential serial killer. Each show we also revisit a recently trashed restaurant to see what’s moved in. A dental office here, a head shop there. The entrepreneurial spirit lives on.
3. Eat This! : In this game show we first check with the mothers of our contestants to find out what their offspring couldn’t stand to eat as children. Now as fully-grown adults they're offered up the same fare. The more they eat in the allotted time the more gifts they win. That is unless they chuck it up all over the set. Not a penny if they puke, but we’ll give them a fresh Food Network smock in which to see them home.
4. You Invited Those Assholes?: Guess who's coming to dinner? Your despised neighbors. Whose idea was it? Ours. You might try to get along for the evening, but we’ll make sure you don't. We mix footage of you all trying to pretend you're having a fine time mixed with confessional footage of you all ragging each other out. Bob never returned the borrowed ShopVac, and now he's sucking down our pork tenderloin. With any luck, each show ends in an actual food fight
5. Someone Stop the Frickin’ Clock!: A game show wherein contestants are required to perform typical kitchen duties under impossible time constraints. When contestants inevitably fail to complete a task (hopefully blood will be let in the attempt), they are physically and emotionally abused by celebrity judges. When Connie from Duluth fails to parboil an egg in seven seconds she is called a worthless whore while being pelted with raw eggs by that big Australian-sounding goofball.
6. Mom, Your Meatloaf Sucks!: The whole family gets into the act when mom serves dinner. Without her knowing it, the family has conspired to find fault with anything she puts on the table. Before they've left the table Dad claims he’s having an affair with someone who can pleasure him with food, and the kids leave for the neighbors' barbecue in progress. We follow mom's emotional meltdown, or even better, we find she's been living a dual life and could give a shit about this group of ingrates.
7. Hooray, It's Macaroni Night!!! : What‘s so special about Tuesdays? We find out from our medical correspondent, who describes this week's special ingredient: a controlled substance sure to provide some Must-See TV, as soon as the drug kicks in. Will our family go ballistic or limp? Tune in as they turn on. (Paramedics are standing by).
8. Dining With The Homeless: Our crack crew finds a street person and gives him four bucks for "something to eat". Encouraging him to outperform Rachel Ray ten to one, we tag along on this very special food find.
9. Cockfight Cuisine: A live audience is treated to a cockfight, with the loser served up by a celebrity chef as soon as the feathers settle. Tastes like chicken! Note: No animals will be harmed during this show worse than they would be under normal governmental guidelines.
10. So Sue Me!: We kick Reality TV up a notch. In the course of shooting behind the scenes of the next great Food Network Show, Our crew becomes involved in a non-disclosure imbroglio. Required to sign a "gag" contract before allowing them to proceed with their work, they tell the production company to read and sign a copy of the US Constitution's first amendment.
11. Topless Cuisine: What’s on the menu tonight? I’ll tell you what. A couple of oversized mangoes slung in a 37D Wonderbra. Cook me up some stale oatmeal for all I care, darlin’. Just as long as it comes with the special topping!
No comments:
Post a Comment