Fox News has just received an exclusive tip from a high-ranking White House source that points to far-reaching voter fraud on the planet Mars. This source revealed previously unknown details involving possible Deep Space involvement in solar system chicanery.
While Mars has historically been regarded a solid “Red Planet,” the source claims that with all Martian votes tabulated, early indications reveal that every vote sent via highly suspect radio telecommunications have been suspiciously cast for Joe Biden.
“This is absolutely astounding,” claimed the source, who is said to be closely affiliated with the Trump legal team. “Just think of it. Not a single Martian vote for our President? What are the odds of that? Do you think we’re f**king *ss l*cking re*ards?”
The source also claims with evidence soon to be forthcoming that many of the votes cast have originated from Martians that are no longer living, as well as ex-Martians known to have left the galaxy entirely, and in at least one case a Martian family pet was alleged to have cast a vote.
When asked about the pet in question, scientists held over from the previous administration seemed perplexed. One representative of the scientific community responded, “If one were to postulate such a thing, it would be highly unlikely the pet was something like a dog or cat. Much more plausible would be an entirely new species previously unknown to mankind.”
The Trump administration did not respond to requests for a statement, though Attorney General Barr has pledged to send a legal team to “litigate every very real threat to our precious democracy.”
Among the President's advisors, Donald Trump Junior tweeted “Oh, like nothing nefarious is going on in among the Deep Space Conspirators?” before amending the tweet to read “We're going full on war… dammit it! Forgot about the bone spurs!” That post was subsequently deleted. Ivanka Trump, for her part, posted a series of Instagram pictures of her family enjoying a baby seal clubbing expedition to the Aleutian Islands: “Culling the weak so the privileged may succeed! Go America!!!”
With conspiracy theories swirling amidst the QAnon Twittersphere, the Commander in Chief tweeted at 2:14 am, “CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? IF TRUE OUR NEWLY FORMED SPACE FORCE WILL PUNISH THESE INTERPLANETARY FRAUDS WITH SECRET NEW WEAPONS THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!”
Asked for responses, Senator Lindsey Graham stated, “Our President has a right to do whatever he sees fit as long as he doesn’t reveal my deepest darkest secrets,” while Mitch Mc Connell’s response was lost in the sound of his passing gas, which overwhelmed the recording device.
We are obliged to post that the ostensible president elect Joe Biden has cautioned for general calm to prevail until all votes have been tabulated and verified, offering this odd caveat: “It would sure be nice to hear we’ve flipped Mars and she’s gone blue. That would be something to see in the night sky.”
Stay tuned as we update this fast-breaking story.
