Give yourself 312 points for every
question answered
1. When you detect an unpleasant odor, you A) search
high and low, sniffing all around until you’ve discovered the source, and then
deal with it appropriately, B) spray room freshener indiscriminately, open all
windows, and wave your arms around like a fawning eunuch, C) leave and hope it
will be gone by the time you get back, D) I don’t know what you’re talking
about. I don’t smell anything.
2. If the only thing you could eat ever again would
be potatoes, would you: A) bake them, B) mash them, C) wonder about the Irish,
D) go to Whole Foods, because they’ll definitely have something other than
potatoes in stock.
3. Toilet paper: A) One-ply, B) Two-ply, C) It’s
not about the plies, it’s about the softness of the tissue, D) Was that Mr.
Whipple a character, or what?
4. A man’s tie… A) should just reach the belt, B) should
make a bold statement about the wearer’s social status, C) should compliment
the color and pattern of the shirt worn with it, D) Do I look gay?
5. Global warming is: A) the most monumental problem
facing mankind, B) a leftist media hoax, C) just too confusing an issue to
understand and it makes my head throb D) Awesome, because now winter is like another
autumn tacked on to the first one.
6. Paper or plastic? A) Paper, B) Plastic, C)
Actually, I use eco-friendly bags I bought from my grocer in a vainglorious
attempt to save the environment, D) Damn it, I forgot the bags in the trunk
again. Just give me whatever.
7. Three businessmen board the 6:15 Stamford train
for Manhattan. They… A) Stop right there. I took the SAT’s when I was in high
school and I’m not doing that again, B) Four hundred and twelve miles per hour.
Am I right? C) False. There is no 6:15 Stamford train to Manhattan, D) Romney
8. If I could have guilt-free sex with one person,
it would be A) Sophia Vergara, B) Sophia Vergara, C) That hot chick on “Modern
Family.’ What’s her name again? D) Sophia Vergara, as long as she doesn’t make
loud noises in Spanish with that nasally voice of hers.
9. One should attempt to eat food that is A) certified
organic, B) locally grown, C) full of diverse nutrients, D) beer
10. If
you found yourself on a life raft with seven other survivors… A) First thing
we’d do is kill and eat you. That would solve our main problem.
If your score was:
0 - 320 points, congratulations, you just may have a life
640 or more, you need to step away from the “work station”
and get some fresh air.
