What is this country coming to? Have the voters not spoken? Do the politicians not understand the mandate? We have announced by a simpleton majority in many places that have plumbing that we will no longer tolerate, you know, whatever and stuff. And what have the House Pachyderms accomplished since November 2nd? Nothing!
We're at least a couple weeks past the midterm elections now, and here we are still paying taxes, buying stuff from other countries, getting bad cell phone reception, and there’s a pothole in the local shopping plaza that’ll rock your fillings. Enough already! We say it’s time we take back government and put it somewhere where it'll earn compound interest so we can retire like despots in souped-up pleasure caves.
We say it’s time to throw the bums out of office before they can get in!
We say it’s time to throw the bums out of office before they can get in!
Substantive change, as we now know, requires the formation of an amorphous pseudo-political action group that stands for nothing so much as the menacing rumble of ill-informed discontent. So we’re hereby creating the Tailgate Party, dedicated to the continuation of the cacophony.
Here is the mission statement of the Tailgate Party:
We are committed to the distillation of all complex issues into idiotic catchphrases short enough to fit on a bumper sticker.
We demonize all people who hold opinions we are too lazy and ignorant to understand.
We believe our great-grandparents were the only legitimate immigrants.
We believe our problems have been caused by outsiders, and that those foreign interlopers ought to be the ones to fix those problems right away and then leave.
We believe if you don’t agree with us, then you are wrong.
We believe we have shouldered the tax burden for too long and we want all our money back in one whopping refund check, and from now on other people should pay for everything. Which people? We don’t care. Maybe not the rich, though, because they make all things bright and beautiful possible, right?
We believe in big government when it comes to our rescue, and in anarchy when the goobers we voted for do something that pisses us off.
We believe that the only safe society is the one that has a second amendment filed away somewhere, and where every soccer mom is packing heat.
We believe that all men are equal, or at least that no man is too stupid to hold office as long as he pretends to agree with us.
We believe the best legislators are those who can match our liquor intake, and then pay the bar tab at the end of the night. Now that’s the kind of stand-up guy we could vote for. Or if she's all cute and folksy and, well you know. Ba Bing!
We believe you can get something for nothing. In fact we believe that we as Americans deserve everything for nothing. We think gas should be free. We think cholesterol is a health insurance scam, and pollution is a Commie plot.
We think talk of witchcraft is nothing but a strategic distraction from more important issues. An example of a key issue would be, are you a good witch, or a bad witch? We believe John Boehner is definitely a warlock.
We believe Ponzi was on to something. He just didn’t follow through.
We think there is only one fair and balanced news source: anonymous bloggers.
Laugh at us, world. It only makes us more xenophobic. We believe that we are the greatest nation on earth, and that other nations should stop stealing our thunder. Hey, maybe we’ll just take our weapons and go home. How would you like that, huh? Just kidding. Everything’s cool.
We believe… Hold on. The game’s starting.
We will trumpet our muddled message across the land, and we will do so by aimlessly driving our SUV’s about until the fuel light comes on, at which point we shall seek out a parking lot, open the trunk and pull out the coolers of domestic beer. We will then commence to drink until our message becomes all the more compelling to us. Then we go at the red meat with a vengeance.
And don’t touch our Medicare.
